Why do women stubbornly refuse to let men lead, even though they are attracted to the man, and the man both loves and desires them? Why do they get angry and blame the man when he gets fed up and walks away, when it's entirely their own fault?
07.06.2025 05:05
And no, my distressed emotions did not cause me to imagine it. I have spent countless hours analyzing, contemplating, and examining from every angle with an objective mind. It happened. I didn’t suffer from grand hallucinations. I’m intelligent, rational, and far from being delusional, even though I feel that way due to the way I was treated! I am of sound mind!
Frustratingly, because four years had passed, they couldn’t swap out the custom wheel for a standard one and I had to buy a new one. I now have a standard lug nut wheel, but I never should have been sold the other one. I shouldn’t have been put in a position of having to buy two wheels. At least they apologized and made sure to get me the correct wheel. They also honored the warranty and gave me a free new tire to replace the flat. I’ll give them that.
Need some examples?
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To be fair, I don’t know that my husband asked for them to put me under surveillance. He may not have even known they were going to go that far. I don’t know what went on behind the scenes. But I do know that it happened, and when I tried to go to him about it for help, he laughed at me and ridiculed me for being “crazy and delusional” for thinking someone was in my phone. No matter how much I tried to explain it, he was cold. When I mentioned I thought it could be the police, he smiled a guilty smile that clearly indicated guilty knowledge. Whether he was responsible for everything they did to me or not, this definitely tells me he contacted them in some form or another.
This isn’t too much to ask. I could never go through anything like this again…. it would be the death of me.
The next day after our conversation, some solar plates for my driveway lights were pried up. The ones near the bushes so far have been left be. I am uncomfortable calling the police, but I know I probably should. I am worried, however, that I won’t be taken seriously and things could get worse.
Do you think the number of sissies is on the rise?
Not only are you unavailable, but this is a cold, cruel world, with men constantly on the attack towards women making them the complete opposite of safe. Sexism is rampant in all cultures around the world, and many men are monsters to us, not loving leaders who only want to take care of us in the right way. Again, where are all these supposed loving men you speak of??
Stop blaming us! This question is infuriating - men are not loving and they don’t desire to lead at all - just control or sit back and not give the care a woman needs. Then when we get upset about it, everything is our fault and we’re just “bitchy” and “difficult.” Yes, I know some women are difficult. I know some women would still fight a good man when they try to lead. But more often than not, this is precisely what a woman looks for in a man, and then gets angry, hurt, and disillusioned when she can’t find it.
I’m sure any men reading this are scoffing at me right now if they even bothered to read this long-winded post. And yeah, I know. I’ve rambled on and on and I know everyone here reading this is thinking, “File this under No One Cares. No one wants to hear all about your life story and all you’re fucked up issues. Go get COUNSELING.” I don’t care. Sometimes things do need to be said… even if I appear like a rambly, overly emotional, annoying fool airing out a bunch of dirt laundry on the internet. Or a victim. Or a finger pointer. Or a man-hater. Or someone mad at the world. Or an “attention whore.”
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I’ve been blind-sighted by this and devastated. So utterly shocked. I thought he knew who I was… but apparently, he would rather go to fellow males and seek advice than just communicate with me. No matter how negative the advice and the opinions of his circle, he would rather ignore what’s right in front of him, than stick up for me, stand by me, and realize when something is a lie.
He also has very particular tastes and a very narrow palette. He’s exceptionally difficult to please. He complains I don’t make enough variety, but I would if he liked more things! He’ll demand that I hunt for recipes, but when I do and I try to ask him if he would like the recipes I find, he gets irritated and tells me to stop asking and just make something. But when I do, he doesn’t like it and I end up trying to eat it all myself before it spoils because he will then go out to eat. Then he will complain that he has to eat out because I don’t cook for him!! Yes, I’m not exaggerating!
I had already been suffering from burnout at work for many years due to having CPTSD and working way too hard because I was afraid of bosses. I would bend over backward to please them. The memories were so distressing and disorienting, coupled with severe panic attacks, that I had to quit working. Seriously, I did.
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After a life of everything I’ve described above, and finally thinking I’ve found the person I need, the person I’ve looked for my whole life… this is what happens. I’m completely stuck. I can’t get out of the black, deep hole I’ve been shoved down. I have no… voice. This is not a life worth living. I don’t deserve any of this, but there’s always an enemy in every place I turn. I’m completely and utterly trapped.
How do I know for certain that he was motivated by sexism? Not only can I not think of any other reason as I haven’t done anything to him… there have been multiple times over the years I’ve witnessed him loudly and obnoxiously berate and belittle his wife out in the front yard. At times he does it out of the blue when she’s doing nothing at all. He treats her like she’s stupid and will accuse her of “whooping and hollering” while she’s very quietly tending to her plants. He is one of those white middle-aged American men who married a quiet, docile Asian woman. She barely makes a peep. I think this indicates that my suspicions as to motive have merit.
I had a very abusive parent growing up - I can’t identify which one here because it’s not safe. I was in my early 30s when an incident with a co-worker caused me to recall a bunch of repressed memories of the abuse. I had been oblivious to it all my life because it was all repressed, which is what made me so lacking in confidence and worth that I was willing to marry him, to begin with. I bring this up because I was shocked, terrified, confused, and needed support, and when I tried to talk to him about it, he was cold, dismissive, and harsh with me - the absolute last thing I needed. I was suffering immensely and he heaped more suffering onto me.
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I have no voice. I… no matter how hard I try or what I say it does no good. No one takes anything I say seriously. No matter how respectable I am I can’t get respect. I’m never believed. I just don’t stand a chance when it comes to males sticking with each other…. something women don’t do for each other. I don’t have any women in my life who have my back. I don’t have anyone to talk to or anyone to go to for advice if I were to feel I needed any! Must be nice to have buddies! I wouldn’t know.
It’s so wrong. It shouldn’t be this way. It shouldn’t be so difficult to get a tire fixed. I shouldn’t be intentionally given problems for simply being female. Not only does it cause anger at the injustice, extra headaches, and problems… it’s deeply hurtful. So… utterly draining and wearisome.
You constantly liken pathetic weakness with being a “girl”.
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He must always be there for me - emotionally available, supportive, a good listener who doesn’t dismiss my feelings or perspectives, and someone who believes me and takes me seriously when I try to share something important.… a solid stable rock in my life.
I can imagine all the typical advice a male friend would give that would certainly send him in the wrong direction. Bullshit like this that makes my blood boil. That’s not who I am and it’s just a bunch of negative stereotypes created by sexism!
The most utterly depressing harsh reality of all this…. is that it’s a complete impasse. The great majority of men flatly refuse to change, and so many of us are left with gaping wounds that can’t be healed because we can’t get the love we need from a good man. So we try our best to be our own men because no one will ever look out for us. We do not want this. We do not want to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps, be hyper-independent, and play the role of both men and women. We do need you, but you’re not available!
Why do wives cheat on their loyal husbands?
You ridicule her feminine tastes; like being into fashion, dolls, or whatever, and complain she’s not into sports, cars, or whatever “manly” things you like.
He’s the same way with my cooking. Nothing I make is good enough, and I’m not a bad cook. I’m not particularly talented or into cooking, but I’m still competent and my food tastes reasonably good. I can easily follow a recipe and have done so countless times. I don’t enjoy cooking - to me it’s no different than any other chore. Not all women are talented cooks who love to do it. But I do care that it needs to be done, and I’ve always been more than willing to give it my best! I don’t owe anyone a gourmet meal. I don’t have to be the best at cooking to be good enough! Especially because it’s a huge amount of work, energy, and time to cook several times a day, along with everything else that needs to be done. And if a woman has a career it’s that much harder.
Instead of being evasive he would need to be clear, decisive, and communicative. He would need to always communicate with me directly like one does in a normal relationship. No blowing me off, ghosting, or holding me at arm’s length. That is very unloving and disrespectful whether it’s meant that way or not.
He continuously makes stupid jokes about being the “king” and what he says goes. If I don’t want to do every little thing he wants or have a different view, he accuses me of not respecting him and uses scripture (He’s Christian) to tell me I have to “obey”.
A few years ago, at a different place, I again went in to have a slow leak repaired. This place also offered a warranty on the tires I had purchased - most places do. I told them which tire was leaking, and they didn’t do anything to it at all. I noticed a couple of days after service that it was still leaking, and noticed they had marked the opposite tire. When I went back to let them know it wasn’t fixed, they claimed I told them to fix the wrong tire - the one they marked. They claimed they did work on the wrong tire - one with no leak.
My so-called husband has done nothing but kick me in the butt, refuse to believe in the abuse, and yell at me constantly to “Get a job!”. He thinks I just want attention, I’m lazy, and I’m just looking to free-load off him. Very interesting, considering that for the first several years, I was the main breadwinner!
You are completely emotionally unavailable while putting us down for being overly emotional, illogical, less intelligent, annoying, or “drama queens.”
I would never, ever expect a man to jump through hoops to impress me or expect him to be a certain way. No, women are not oh so complicated. Nothing special is required to be considered attractive if you’re a wonderful person and we have a connection! I don’t require an instruction manual or special advice from more seasoned men who supposedly know all about how to navigate all the annoying and complicated demands, needs, and wants of “women”.
This still isn’t all. I also have problems with sexist neighbors vandalizing my property even though I keep to myself and am a good neighbor. I don’t cause problems for anyone, and the more I make efforts to keep my yard up, the more they trespass onto my property and do things like destroy my solar lights, pour weed killer on my grass, leave old worn-out garden gnomes in my yard, and stomp on my roses! I’m not kidding.
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He felt he could target me because I’m not masculine - he could see that I’m sweet-natured, kind, supportive, and very feminine. He sensed he could push me around. Not to mention it was hammered into me by conservative Christian parents that I’m supposed to be very submissive to men. This right here is a testament that not all women are a bunch of overly masculine, obnoxious, difficult brats!
And now…. the most painful, personal one of all. A few years ago, I thought I had finally…. finally found a genuinely good man - a completely non-sexist man with the ability to lead in the right way. Who would be capable of unconditional love and respect. Someone I also had so much in common with who would understand me like no one else ever could. Something I never thought I could find - a rare, precious gem.
He questions my every move/decision. He constantly tells me I’m doing things all wrong and makes me feel completely incompetent. I can’t do anything right and every fiber of my being needs to be corrected. If I make a mistake, even if it’s small, he ridicules me with “Why’d you do that??” “What’s the matter with you??” “You don’t pay attention!” “Why are you doing that, dumbo??”
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He’s alluded that I must be a trouble-making seductress, or a materialistic, high-maintenance problem. Or that I’m fake and shallow…. even though I’m the polar opposite…. and I thought that was one thing he could clearly see about me. I thought that was one of the reasons he cared for me. This seems nothing like him and he should absolutely know this isn’t who I am! It’s obvious. Again… either I misjudged him as being a better person than I thought, or he’s very gullible and easily swayed by the opinions of others. Both are no good.
For the first several years, he pushed me to work way too hard in the gym and regularly commented I was overweight and didn’t find me attractive. He’s even told me I’m “getting very fat” but I’ve never been fat. I’ve had some trouble from a little extra weight due to hormonal imbalance, not from how I eat. But I’ve always worked at taking good care of myself, and researched to get them balanced out!
The next day, the man who lives next door came over and confronted me defensively. Right off the bat he directly asked me if it was for him. I immediately thought it was strange he was taking it so personally. I politely explained to him that I had no idea who it was and the sign wasn’t for anyone in particular, and I told him what happened to my lights. He got very rambly and inarticulate, and seemed very nervous, guilty, and also pissed and offended. He defended himself over and over, even though I kept telling him I was simply protecting my property. He oscillated back and forth between qualifying himself, pointing out what a great neighbor he’s been to me, while acknowledging my right to address the violation. When I tried to tell him I meant no offense, he defensively claimed he wasn’t offended.
How do I become mentally strong?
A few years ago, I decided to get some solar lights that were a little more decorative - I had been previously buying the cheapest ones. I had them lined up along my driveway. As soon as I put in the nicer ones, someone smashed them onto my driveway. I found them lying on the concrete smashed to pieces. I bought new ones and moved them closer to my house, in front of my bushes. I hoped that the vandal wouldn’t be so bold as to go that close to my house.
This question is so upsetting. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear that he didn’t walk away because I pushed him around and was overly masculine with him. I’ve been the complete opposite. He just simply walked away because he didn’t feel any need to treat me right… he either never cared much to begin with, or he has no mind of his own. I did nothing to drive him away.
I’ve had similar problems with other male-dominated services such as plumbing or other household repairs. Also with male co-workers. But I’m not going to bore anyone with any other examples because I’m sure everyone gets the idea.
One day, after repairing the tire, they tried to tell me I needed new struts. I had just had them replaced somewhere else! When I mentioned this, they took me out to the garage and showed me a supposed oil leak on them. But I could tell they were a new part. They dug in their heels and said the mechanic ripped me off and didn’t replace them. I could tell they were lying because they were acting nervous and guilty. I went back to that mechanic and told them what happened. They agreed to take another look and confirmed the parts they did, in fact, replace were fine and the tire place had squirted oil to make it look defective! I guess they think I’m stupid, along with their blatant wilfulness to rob me of my hard-earned money…
Obviously, I don’t know what was said by my husband when he contacted them. It’s taken me years to even figure out what happened… it’s all been so confusing, distressing, disorienting, and incredibly traumatic. But I can imagine that he presented it as me causing trouble and presented me as being suspicious and wanted me to be looked into. I’m sure it appealed to the sexist men in the positions and they decided to bend the rules. That’s precisely what they did. When tapped into my phone, they would even alter some social media posts I made to make me sound ridiculous and stupid. How professional. Yeah, they were really concerned about me being a threat!
In my experience, it’s an incredibly rare occurrence that men actually try to lead! You either dictate, dominate, and oppress, or you’re passive. Women do want men to lead - every woman needs this at her core! I know I do anyway! We just don’t want to be controlled. I’ve longed for and dreamed of my whole life of finding a good man who leads in the right way and loves and respects me enough to make me feel safe and protected. I’m 41 and have yet to find it. This has been deeply painful, distressing, and disappointing.
Yeah, I know. The internet is forever. At this point in my life, I’m beyond caring. I don’t have anything else to lose. So judge away, cruel world.
He takes offense over everything and continuously accuses me of being unloving and disrespectful, even though that’s what he does. Also, he insults me by calling me a brat, selfish, uncaring, contrarian, unreasonable, dumbo, dumbass…. even though those are all traits he has, other than being dumb.
When I worked and was “pulling my weight” to his liking, then he would occasionally help with housework and was more reasonable when I couldn’t always get to something right away. Ever since I broke down, he has expected me to wait on him constantly. Feed him every time he’s hungry, and bring him a drink every time he’s thirsty while he sits in his chair. If he wants a drink out of the fridge he demands I stop what I’m doing to get it for him. When I try to stick up for myself, he uses the fact I don’t work against me. Instead of realizing I was knocked off my feet and needed help myself… he yells, “You won’t work! If you’re not going to work then you’re gonna be a housewife and get me what I need! That’s what wives do! You have all the time in the world now to feed me, I work! Get a job and start pulling your weight!”
After they supposedly fixed it, they explained that it had three separate nails but they were able to get it repaired. The guy was acting nervous and guilty, and I knew that if there really had been three nails it not only wouldn’t have been repairable, it would have had more than a slow leak. I’ve been driving long enough to also know how uncommon it would be to pick up that many nails in one tire. I think I must have STUPID plastered in big block letters across my forehead….
He knows about this. He knows I’m alone. He knows I don’t have any friends, he knows I have serious family problems, and he knows I’m trapped in an abusive marriage I need to leave but can’t because I’ve been unable to work. And he also knows that I’m willing to try and get back on my feet and earn my keep - not mooch. I don’t want to be down forever. I guess he just doesn’t care. The men in his life, who have never even met me, know all about me and how bad I must be. Stay away from her, all women are trouble!
This went on from December of 2017 to September of 2021. Nearly four years. My whole life has been difficult, but these were the darkest days of my life. I can’t describe how awful it was. I’ve always felt imprisoned, but this was another level. To be completely stripped of privacy and have your every move watched by authorities… I can’t describe it. I’m supposed to be able to trust authorities. They’re supposed to serve and protect. They’re supposed to be good. Not fault me for simply being female and make my life a living nightmare!!
Constant harsh criticism over almost everything I say and do. He contradicts every view, opinion, or insight I have and won’t let me expound. He quickly gets very annoyed and tells me to shut up because I don’t know what I’m talking about, then proceeds to go on and on with his views and bluntly tells me I need to look at things as he does. I’m not exaggerating - he’s not subtle about it and doesn’t mince words. We have fought like cats and dogs since before we got married because he’s so disrespectful, brash, argumentative, and makes me constantly feel dismissed, stupid, not listened to, and unloved.
He holds me at a far distance and is very non-communicative. He won’t talk to me directly - only through indirect, vague social media posts. I’m forced to wrack my brain for hours trying my best to interpret.
But I couldn’t bring myself to question him… I felt fear rising up because I didn’t want conflict. I didn’t feel like arguing and appearing difficult. So I politely commented I was surprised, but left because I also had other errands to run. I hoped that it would just be okay.
This isn’t all! It’s not just been family, husband, or police. It’s all the mechanics looking to rip me off every time I need my car fixed, along with their condescending attitudes. And of course, if they do something wrong and I get upset and try to call them out, I’m just a “difficult woman” customer. A bitch. I will be honest and point out that not every interaction with a mechanic over the years has been bad. Sometimes I do get treated properly. But there has been a consistent pattern of problems. The problems, for some reason, arise the most whenever I need a tire repair.
He has zero interest in my mind, personality, or thoughts. He shows no interest in my interests and constantly critiques or laughs at them for being silly.
Not only are there no good men around trying to help me get through it, but the ones who are around are often targeting me very specifically with the intent of harming me. And I’m not just talking about how I have to be extra careful taking walks alone in case of rapists, although that right there is enough!
Anyway, after they finally repaired the correct tire, it lasted about a year and a half before it started leaking again. I didn’t want to go back there, so I went to a new place to have it fixed. They fixed it with no problem, but while there I also purchased a spare because when I bought my car ( it was used), it didn’t come with one.
He goes out of his way to make me feel unattractive. No matter what I’ve worn over the years, he’s always complained about how unflattering it looks on me. He never liked any of my outfits. When I would try to ask and find out what he liked, he would always just respond with a dry “I don’t know. You should know what I like.” But he was impossible to please and sent me in circles trying to do so because I wanted him to find me attractive. (I was way too please-y the first several years of our marriage. I tried so hard to be what he wanted while placing my own identity aside. I realize now how wrong it was for me to do that to myself, and have worked hard to overcome it. Of course, this has caused even more strife.)
I’m sure no one here on Quora gives a shit or understands these mental health conditions and thinks, like my husband, that I’m just lazy. If that’s what you think, fuck off. I was completely debilitated, and it’s taken me years to recover.
I’ve felt since I was little that if I were more like a boy… then I would be more likable and worthy of respect, love, and acceptance. It’s like you all want us to look like girls, be submissive, but other than that be a guy. What sense does that make?? When we try to implement logic, more masculine tastes, etc. then that’s all wrong too, and threatening! It sure must be nice to be a man. What a prized possession, masculinity must be!
Anyway, as we were removing the flat tire, we both spotted a nail in it. Not only did they lie about repairing three nails, they must have inserted one because it was making the tire much worse than before! Of course, as we tried to put the spare on, we realized we couldn’t due to the custom wheel. I was very upset at the realization of what I was sold and why, but my husband was indifferent to my feelings.
He would accuse me of letting myself go, though nothing was further from the truth! No matter how hard I worked he pushed for more. At one point he had me doing a bodybuilding program, and I pushed myself way too hard to please him. If I was too tired and needed a day off he criticized me. He never showed appreciation or gave compliments. I continuously felt he thought I was ugly. When I’ve tried to point out he’s impossible to please, he denies it and arrogantly proclaims he does give compliments - a blatant lie.
I have the distinct impression that he started going to male friends for advice about me, around this time. I have a very strong hunch this is a root problem… because it makes no sense he would do this otherwise…. at least I think? For the life of me, I don’t understand why. There had seemed to be a kindred spirit connection previously… we’re cut from the same cloth. There was no reason to seek advice about how to move past a friendship as I’m not just “some woman.” I… thought he understood this.
Here are some examples. When I was in my early 20’s I kept picking up nails every few weeks for a while. I don’t know why, it was strange. I’d never had so much trouble with nails. Anyway, I kept going back to the place I purchased tires from because they offered either free or discounted repairs, can’t remember which.
He’s never affectionate - won’t hug me even if I ask and gets annoyed. Constantly dismisses my feelings and gaslights me by telling me I’m silly, delusional, being a baby, annoying, overly sensitive, and naive. Yes, these are the exact words he uses, not an interpretation. Any time I’ve tried to go to him and share things I need emotional support on, he gets very agitated and tells me to go find girls to talk to because he doesn’t want to hear it - I should just be able to handle it on my own instead of being a baby. But of course, he shares things with me and I always listen with empathy and support.
I don’t understand what happened. It seemed fine at first, but over time he’s treated me just as poorly as any other man, just in a very passive way. I’ve been absolutely shocked and shaken to my core by it. I’ve had plenty of heartbreak and grief throughout my life… but this is by far the worst. I can’t describe it.
I’ve communicated clearly as best as I can on social media because that’s the only way he will allow me to communicate. I am a straightforward, honest person who appreciates the same in others. I can be very shy and afraid to speak up, but when I do I try my best to be as forthcoming and clear as I can possibly be.
I just discovered the wheel problem a couple of weeks ago, four years later, after trying to put the spare on due to having a flat. And let me tell you why I had a flat! I had just gone back to this same place earlier this month because I had a slow leak. A couple of years ago, I purchased all new tires there and the leak was under warranty. It was just a slow leak.
They intentionally sold me a tire with a custom wheel that you can’t use regular lug nuts with and requires a key. I had no idea because I didn’t know much about cars. I was led to believe I was getting a regular tire and wheel for a simple spare. Maybe I should study up a bit, but I shouldn’t have to worry about being targeted like this! I think anyone can understand this is blatant targeting and trying to cause extra problems for an unsuspecting person! I suppose I should have paid closer attention to what it looked like. I feel stupid that I didn’t. But this was during my surveillance, burnout/breakdown, and the pandemic. I was mentally and emotionally very exhausted and was having a hard time functioning.
You expect us to fix up and look attractive, but when a woman puts forth the effort, which does take time, then you ridicule her for being vain, shallow, and spending too much time in the bathroom… and go on and on about how annoying it is.
Original question: Why do women stubbornly refuse to let men lead, even though they are attracted to the man, and the man both loves and desires them? Why do they get angry and blame the man when he gets fed up and walks away, when it's entirely their own fault?
Everything would need to change, 100 percent:
Fortunately, when I went back to the original place to have them make things right, they were more respectful than I was expecting. But I dreaded it because these kinds of situations are very intimidating and I never know how I’ll get treated.
I’m a very forgiving and reasonable/rational person. If by any chance… he comes to his senses and contacts me… and has good, valid explanations for what happened, I would be willing to listen. If he can clearly show me he really is a good guy and that I can trust him, I might give him another chance. But I’m not nearly as foolish and naive as I was when I got married… so I will set firm boundaries. It’s the only way it could ever work.
Not to mention, you reduce us to sexual objects. You love to play the field, get what you want, then run. Then you turn right around and accuse us of being dirty and too seductive. You either expect us to be “eye candy” or force us to stay overly covered. You praise one another for sleeping around and expect women to “put out”, then shame women for “being sluts.” Where’s the love in all of this?? The respect?? The vast majority of men do this or have it interwoven in their mentalities on some level, even if it’s not as blatant.
Even if the toxic people are family, there must be distance/boundaries created. Relationships only work when each person loves one another so unconditionally that they stick by one another’s side with full loyalty, trust, and dedication. I have removed certain toxic family members from my life because they were no good for me! Also, I realized that if I were to move forward in this relationship they would meddle and disapprove. I don’t feel it’s wrong to expect the same of him. Toxic people are toxic. They destroy lives.
In September last year, I set some boundaries and illustrated how this has been unfair and hurtful to me. I was kind, respectful, and understanding. I left the ball in his court to decide whether he wanted to move forward or not. All I asked was that he communicate clearly to me what he wants. I also said he had plenty of time to make a decision as I wasn’t trying to twist his arm. I gave him “a few months.”
No, even the more decent men do not lead. If they aren’t a targeting monster, they’re extremely passive, gullible, and only loyal to their fellow men…. even though I would have been so good to him. I thought he knew that.
It’s the family members who lack respect for me because I have a female body. They just see me as sex and sin incarnate if I don’t keep super covered and see no reason to look out for me when creeps give unwanted attention, even when I am dressed appropriately! Who don’t think I have the right to be in leadership positions, be a news anchor, or write a book because women aren’t as capable of giving accurate insights about world affairs. Who are more likely to side with someone else and believe bad things about me even if they’re not true, because of an overall lack of respect for me for being female.
Yes, I know this sounds insane - why would they do such a thing? I must be paranoid, right?? No. I couldn’t have imagined all the times someone was obviously in my phone suddenly clicking around on things, or all the suddenly bizarre charades out in public, one after another, day after day, for years. Or the little hole I found right above my baseboard in the bedroom…. indications of a bug. Or the co-workers who dropped hints about an undercover agent being in our midst. This is all very difficult and traumatic to explain so I’m not going to go into detail. I know no one will believe me anyway. Yeah, I know you think I’m a nut job. I don’t care, fuck off.
Before things went downhill, he gave the impression that he needed encouragement from me to move past the acquaintance stage due to not being certain what my feelings for him were. I was terrified to make the first move toward a relationship because I’ve always been extremely shy. I also much prefer a man to do it. But I also understand the need for some encouragement - especially because since I am shy I know it’s difficult to read if I have deeper feelings or not. So, I forced myself to message him - a short encouraging message that was not overly forward. Just something to show interest and break the ice so he could take the lead from there. I thought that was what he was looking for. He never responded and became more distant. I was terrified and crushed.
I can’t just be hyper-independent. I’m totally alone. No human is an island. I do need a good man in my life, especially because I have no support system. There are narcissists in my family who have successfully turned other family members against me. I don’t have any friends. He has no idea how much I need, and want, him to come into my life and be a good, loving, supportive, strong leader. But it’s all just an illusion. Wishful thinking. I’m not sure such a thing really exists.
But of course, it wasn’t. Not only did the tire start leaking a couple of days later, it went completely flat. I had to push my husband to help me change the tire. I told him what happened, but any time I try to tell him I have trouble with sexism among mechanics, or home repairmen, he dismisses me. When I try to tell him I need him to get involved and intervene as they are likely to be more receptive to a man, he refuses and leaves me high and dry. Again, it’s because he works and doesn’t have the time, and I should handle all the errands, including the more masculine ones because I “have all the time in the world.”
Based on my own experiences and observations of the world at large, along with the testimonies of others, the majority of men are lacking greatly in love and respect towards women. You constantly assert yourselves as superior while belittling us and everything that makes one feminine. For as much as men complain about women not being feminine, you sure seem to look down on femininity!
And worst of all… I’m not comfortable sharing this, especially publicly… but I’m going to anyway because I know it’s real and it illustrates what I need to say. I have very good reason to believe that he went behind my back and opened an investigation regarding the childhood abuse memories I recovered. I did not want one and he knew this! At the time, I was just very distraught and not even sure what to make of things. I simply needed support with sorting it out and making sense of it. When he contacted the authorities, they did not follow protocol and get my consent, and they treated me as the suspect! Yes, that’s right! I have good reason to believe my family was also investigated, but no one contacted me for permission, and I was put under surveillance as if I were a possible suspect!
I keep waiting around, thinking I’ll hear from him. But… I realize I can’t do that to myself anymore. Even if he’s been well-intentioned and mislead…. that doesn’t negate how poorly I really have been treated. And… he clearly walked away without even saying goodbye. I don’t understand what I did to ask for this.
Don’t believe me? We’ve been married for nearly 15 years. This is what he’s done to me since day one… it’s hell.
I was able to get to a gas station nearby and air it up enough to drive to a place to have them help me with the custom wheel. Even they didn’t know what kind of wheel it was, and didn’t have the tools to install it! They had to remove the spare from the wheel, remove the flat, and put the spare on the old wheel.
It worked for a few years. But a few weeks ago, I decided to try a new style as I felt the need for a little variety. I got some that were a little nicer, with a brighter light. A few days later they stopped working. It took me a little while to figure out why. I noticed some damage to my rose bush but thought maybe an animal did it. Eventually, I realized that the solar plates on top of the devices had been pried off and were sitting loose on each one. I then realized I had been vandalized and it was likely the vandal who damaged my bush, not an animal. I realized then, as well, why certain places in my yard had grass mysteriously dying.
There cannot be any toxic third parties of any kind. No seeking advice or engaging in gossip behind my back! Any concerns should be communicated to me so we can talk them out. He must be able to see me for who I really am and be solid and stable in that. He must be willing to stand up for me if anyone tries to criticize, gossip, or spread lies about me.
He never did. It’s been nine months now. I think it’s past time I face reality and realize he’s not likely to pull through just because he seems like a good guy. I keep finding ways to justify the behavior and conclude it’s just a misunderstanding and isn’t what it seems. If the issue is gullibility, I’ve tried to be very understanding because I know how gullible I can be. I second-guess myself all the time and have sensed he might have a similar problem. And I know some people can be very convincing and manipulative. I’ve kept in mind that I don’t know what has been said to him or how it was said. I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
He constantly complains my hair looks bad, no matter what I do with it. I used to let him tell me what styles to have. He’s never had any consideration for my tastes. (Now I tune him out and allow myself to be myself and style it the way I want!) Even when I spend plenty of time on it to make it look nice, it’s always too frizzy, or doesn’t lay right, or I didn’t do what I should to make it look pretty enough. Now that I’ve completely ignored him and found my style, he literally badgers me multiple times a day to “Cut your hair, it’s too long!!” “Fix it, it looks terrible!!” Whether it’s styled or I haven’t done much with it. Doesn’t matter. I always look unkempt and unattractive.
It’s the man I made the horrible mistake of marrying because he pursued me with the only intention of “keeping me in line.” Yes, he was on a mission to find a woman to marry and hold down. He lied about loving me when we first got together and has treated me horribly the whole time we’ve been married. He did guiltily allude to what he was doing before we got married, but it went over my head at the time… how naive I was! There were other red flags beforehand so I was foolish. But I thought it was normal because I’d never seen what a loving relationship looked like and didn’t think it existed.
I know I shouldn’t have even considered marrying him with this kind of treatment early on, but he got worse after we got married. Before this, he would manipulate by apologizing and doing things to appear willing to work on it. Of course, as soon as we got married this flew out the door. Also, as I’ll expound on later, I was raised by a parent who treated me like this so it seemed normal, even though it was deeply hurtful and I didn’t want it.
You accuse us of being “hen pecking nags” even when we’re not. You’re always rolling your eyes and complaining, “women” whenever we do anything that shows the least bit of emotion.
(For clarity, after the wrong tire debacle, I went to this particular place for another repair and purchased the spare, four years ago. I went back again two years ago and purchased all new tires. I went back again earlier this month for a slow leak that they made worse.)
I’ve tried multiple times to nurture the connection with loving expressions, and also stand up for myself when I finally deciphered what problems he was hinting at that I was just supposed to “get.” And many of them went over my head for months and months because they don’t remotely apply to me! I never would have guessed in my wildest imagination that he would think that about me. Some of these messages were sent about a year ago and I think I finally figured them out just a few weeks ago! I’m no mind reader - especially when the communication is delivered cryptically!
His actions have shown that whomever he’s gone to has given advice laced with sexism and probably didn’t want to see us get together. Either that or he’s not quite the person I thought he was. If he is, he must be very gullible and not as much of a leader type as I initially thought. Not only has he been distant, but he’s made many posts/comments alluding to suddenly seeing me in a very negative light.
Yeah, since we’ve been married I’ve seen him get fired from several jobs because he can’t get along with people. He mouths off and has a bad attitude. To be fair, he has since pursued becoming an RN, and has worked very hard and become successful. But I had to work to put him through the education, especially the intense program that he couldn’t work while completing. I think I’ve proven quite well how responsible, dedicated, supportive, loving, and hard-working I am!
I’ve gotten nowhere. I’m under the distinct impression that he thinks I’m lying whenever I try to explain I don’t possess the negative characteristics that the people in his life seem to assert I have. I don’t know who these people are, I just can see there’s someone. I don’t know if it’s friends or family members, or both. He has no idea how much this hurts and devastates me. It seems that because I’m female, his male friends… or whomever it is… must know better about me than I do. I can’t possibly be reputable; I must be a typical woman who causes trouble, or I can’t possibly be self-aware enough to accurately assess that I am innocent of what he insults me with… I must be confused or deluded or manipulative… or whatever he thinks.
I was uncomfortable doing so, but I decided to get a no-trespassing sign. I didn’t want to appear rude to my neighbors and wasn’t sure who was doing it. But I didn’t want to allow it to keep happening either. I bought new lights and put up the sign. With the addition of the sign, I also bought lights for the driveway again, hoping they wouldn’t get smashed.
How stupid do they think I am?? I know for certain I didn’t mention the wrong tire, and it would be obvious that upon examining said tire there’s nothing to repair! I had to be assertive to get them to fix the correct tire and they had a horrible attitude towards me. It was very stressful. I hate conflict, and I shouldn’t have to get that way to get treated right. It’s especially upsetting when they try to make me feel like a “difficult woman” when they’re the ones in the wrong. No one appreciates bad service, time wasted, being lied to, intelligence being insulted, and the problem not being solved! A man would get upset too. I shouldn’t be made to feel shameful for standing up for myself!